i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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