Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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