1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize