what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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