My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize