last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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