I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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