Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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