Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
