Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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