I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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