i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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