It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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