Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
