Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize