oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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