How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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