I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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