Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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