I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
