Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
