a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
