Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You're like the curious george of whores
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
