had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
