So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
