Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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