Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
