my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dicks are not precious.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
