I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
