Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
