ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
