How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
