he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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