hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize