my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize