i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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