LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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