The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize