I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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