so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
