shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
