If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
