How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
