The maid of honor just puked.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
