im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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