Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
