My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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