I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
