How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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