he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
