I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize