I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
