i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
