I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
