Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
