Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
