If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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