cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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