She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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