1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
