Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
