he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
