You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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