U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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