when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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