I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
