Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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