I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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